WalesOnCraic

All the news that really matters from award winning news and current affairs website Wales On Craic. Those of a sensitive or serious disposition should look away now. 

Brexit could threaten the cost of Space Raiders

A leading Bremain campaigner has told WalesOnCraic that leaving Europe would see the price of Space Raiders rocket.

The well-loved crisps, which currently retail at 20p, could end up costing the average Brit £4 each now that the UK has decided to leave the EU.

Dai Camerwn, who has made the claim, told WalesOnCraic: "We currently have laws laid out by Brussels that puts a cap on the price of Space Raiders. You may remember that United Biscuits tried to increase the price to 25p not long ago, causing riots and looting all over the country. It was Europe that told them that they had to get the price back down to 20p. Children and poor people across the nation have Europe to thank for that. It now means that they can get five packets for a pound instead of four. That's real value for money and that's why we pay £350 million a week."

Some sceptics weren't impressed with the latest claim. "That fella talks out of his backside," said one.

Welsh builder says he can do Buckingham Palace for £200 cash

Dai the Paint provided the Queen with a free, no- obligation quote, and added that she should never settle for the first quote she gets.

He told WalesOnCraic: “She’s daft going with her first quite, mun. She needs to do a bit of shopping around before she signs anything. I’m a time-served builder and I can turn my hand to anything. I do anything from fixing a broken tap to building you a loft conversion. I’ve told the Queen that I can do it for £200 cash. She can’t turn that offer down now can she?”

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace said:

“Our first quote for £370 million did tighten the buttocks somewhat when it

came through. But then we remembered that we won’t actually be paying for it

so we went with it. Dai is welcome to provide us with a quote but in all honesty,

it’s not coming out of our pockets as such so it’ll probably go straight in the bin.”

Coffee shop opens in Cardiff for non- morning people

A coffee shop has opened in Cardiff for people who hate mornings. Grumpy F**kers’ Coffee Shop opened its door in October and was overwhelmed by demand.

Manager Clive GrimGrits told WalesOnCraic: “I had to get up at 5am to get the shop open. I hated it. Most people are still sleeping at that time. We opened the shop at 6am and by 7am, we’d already sold out of ‘Crappuccinos’ as well as our ‘Elephant Juice Tea’. Everyone who came in had a face on them like a slapped arse so I closed the shop at 8am so I could go home and get some proper sleep like most people do.”

One customer said that she would visit the coffee shop again, despite everyone bumping into each other and not saying a word.

“It was perfect for me. I could just sit there, thinking how naff my life is and how I hated going to work. The guy next to me was asking whether they did any cooked breakfasts but the manager told him to get out and get a life. Everyone was grumpy, which was fine because we were all grumpy together.”

Mary Berry aims to become new England manager

Former Great British Bake Off host Mary Berry wants to become the new England manager as the FA dithers over appointing Gareth Southgate.

Mrs Berry is currently out of work after telling BBC bosses to 'Go bake your head'.

A spokesman said: "Mary is very keen to take over the reins as England manager as she's always loved football. Back in the day, she played for 'Posh Ladies FC' as a striker. She could out dribble any of her opponents and she had a killer curler on her. Becoming England manager will give her something to do in between baking cakes and talking posh."

A spokesman for the FA said: "This is the first we've heard of it mate. Are you sure you're not just making this up for some stupid spoof news site?"

FIFA to ban National Team Shirt Badges as they are deemed too nationalistic

FIFA are set to ban national team shirt badges as they are deemed too nationalistic.

FIFA’s Ethics Committee fears that the shirt badges may offend other teams.

 

A spokesman told WalesOnCraic:

“We simply cannot have players going around on TV showing off their national badge. What kind of message does this send to the world? In our great wisdom, we have decided to do away with national team shirt badges and we are also looking into banning any reference to countries by name in case it sends out the wrong political message. We are looking to clean up this sport and we cannot do this when people are blatantly cheering on one country rather than the other. £25k however, and all of this will go away.”

One fan said: “Well obviously the boys went out there and gave it 110% and obviously, we’ll take all the positives from this game and I said to the boys before the game just go out and enjoy yourselves and obviously all credit to the boys etc...”